Making your Marriage Work
October 01, 2015 at 5:22 PM
Making your Marriage Work! 7 Helpful Principles from John Gottman
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, written with Nan Silver, renowned clinical psychologist and marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph.D, reveals what successful relationships look like and features valuable activities to help couples strengthen their relationships.
Below his seven principles for building a strong "marital house" will be given with helpful applications.
1. "Enhance and Develop your love maps." Marital satisfaction happen because we come for the details. According to the Gottman couple with strong completings have deeply richly developed love maps. Each partner has heart felted knowledge of their partner- i.e. they know their favorites (food, sport teams, flower, worries), they know their stressors (work, work relationships, health, family, family members, difficult relationships or tasks) they know their dream and future desires.
2. "Nurture and deepen your fondness and admiration." Strong coupleships are built on respect and a sense positive understanding of one another. Fondness and admiration are so ¬¬¬¬critical to couple strength, Gottman believes that without them the marriage cannot survive.
3. "Invite and allow your partner to influence you." Strong coupleship are built on the reality of difference, difference of perspective and point of view. Your partner's sense of value increases if you seek their opinion on important matters.
4. "Work at turning toward one another rather than away." Coupleships that work survive by hard work. It's the behind the scenes details that help built a strong "marital house." Turning toward is easy when its good or/and new, but it's strength building when you do it when its bad, difficult or when you're vulnerable. Remember you're building passion, connection and good will each time you exercise this muscle.
Turning toward your partner in the difficult times is like add cash to your emotional savings account. As a matter of fact Gottman uses the term "emotional bank account" to describe the long term collected experiences each couple has – you want your account in the black rather than the red.
5. "Work only on your soluble problems." I was surprised by this principle – I thought the best couples were problem or should fight free. The best couples fight just like the worse couple but... the best couples have determined which fights are about things they can solve together and which hassles are perpetual and probably can't be resolved for various reasons. When problem solving remember the following:
a. Soften your start up.
b. Make and receive your partner's repair attempts.
c. Soothe yourself and then your partner.
d. Work to compromise
e. Accept your flaws allows you to accept your partner.
6. "Work to overcome gridlock." You want to move from traffic jam like gridlock to meaningful dialogue. Perpetual problems are a clear sign of unfulfilled dreams. In other words, there's a hole in your love map. Strong coupleships help and facilitate one another's dreams.
7. "Create and facilitate shared meaning." Strong couples aren't just about cleaning, paying bills, structuring, and loving. Strong couples take time to invest in the spiritual dimension of their lives as well – Gottman calls this shared meaning.
Make your marriage work by doing the things that will pay dividends in the long haul!
Dr. J.C. Chambers is a licensed psychologist who works at Stronghold Counseling Services. He is also a clinical member of American Association of Marriage & Family Therapist. To make contact with Dr. Chambers call us at (605) 334-7713.